Am I qualified to tell someone they aren't pretty?

I’ve probably said it before but I want to disappear.

Originally, when the army told me that I would be enlisting within the week I had hoped to fall off the radar from everybody I know.

I didn’t want my family and friends to worry about me but I did want them to have no idea what I was doing or where I had gone

I wanted them to wonder occasionally, “what ever happened to Vincent,” then one day show up on the door like I had never left. ß my original plan didn’t take transitioning into the equation.

If any of you have seen, “Gross Point Blank,” this will sound really familiar. For me it made the whole concept feel really Romantic.

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I neglect things sometimes that I think back on and I just can’t figure out why I would ignore it to begin with. I skip things so basic and simple that a child could do. Something so obvious that even a coma patient might wake up for an hour just to do. I feel like a dumb face!

I was washing a pair of my panties today with a small load of my regular clothing. The wash was done and it just needed to dry and be put away. Easy task to manage since during the day there is nobody in my house, but did I do it NO! My mom must have switched machines for me and by the time I went to grab my cloths my knickers were gone.

Now there could be multiple outcomes to this dilemma but I’m just hoping for the best case scenario while praying it doesn’t come close to the worst. Worse case scenario is that she starts spreading it around that she is finding women’s clothing mixed in with my wash loads, my Dad melts down, I get kicked out maybe one month before I can ship out to the Airforce, and then my friends find out when I have to ask if I can crash with them. Best case, she assumes they are my sisters, mixes them in with her laundry, I just continue trying to be invisible for maybe one more month, and nobody notices what’s going on till after I leave.

One thing this has forced me to consider is what I will tell them if I am confronted with a pair of panties hanging in my face, a “what was this doing in your laundry?”, and an angry stare. I could feign ignorance “what be thou speaking of /poke /poke,” indignation “how dare you Even sUggEst! /slap”, or maybe both “what is thIs (/poke /poke) doing in mY FACE?! /slap.” /sigh I have to make myself laugh or else my life movie is to scary and uncomfortable to watch.

Seriously if they confront me, I’ve decided . . . I don’t want to lie to them. It really feels bad to keep this hidden and if they bring the topic to my door I have to own the conversation so that I can control when and where it takes us. Lol, I don’t know how to do that!

Actually the concept of them bringing the question to me has given me a really interesting idea for how to come out.

(any readers could probably just skip this section. The idea below is flawed imo but I wanted to keep a log of my thought process over time).

One Way to Come Out:

Ever since I came back from Las Vegas I have been carrying a large black padlocked duffle bag. I’ve never opened it in the presence of anyone but myself. I haven’t lied about the content but I haven’t been asked to tell anyone either. The bag floats from one back room to another, to my car then the garage, and I know my parents have seen it. I also know my parents (my Dad most outwardly) have shown interest in why I have been so secretive around my computer, so I expect that they wonder why I don’t let anyone use or watch me use it. Basically, I know they are at least interested in what I’m doing behind closed doors.

When I leave for the Airforce, what if I rig the house to encourage them to snoop into my business by leaving my black bag unlocked and sitting where they can see it. My black bag would be left sitting in a room with a letter sitting just beyond the zipper addressed to my father and mother. The letter would be very nice (thanks ‘Flameboy’) and informative and under the letter they would find everything (clothing, purse, make-up, wig, shoes). It would encourage them to contact me with any questions or to wait and I would call or visit at my earliest convenience.

Pros:

There’s no arguing.

I wouldn’t have to look into their eyes as I rip their hopes for a normal son, grandchildren, and daughter in law away.

Cons:

At best I only delay having to face them to explain myself.

They may not take it seriously enough if I am not there to assure them that I am serious

They may become mOre upset if they think I wanted to trick them into doing the work for me (which sound correct).

Ok, so it feels like a cheat and a weak solution. I would have to reopen the wound later anyway. At best the only significant positive is that it prepares them for when I meet them in person. Ok, so it sounds good at first but after consideration I don’t like it.