Vanessa J's Adventure Into Womanhood

Trans Questions

2007-06-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

1) I worked construction for a while and many if not most of the men I worked with were almost cliché’s. They were so ignorant hateful and stupid. Worse still they were misogynistic, womanizing, ignorant, hateful, stupid, pigs and I say that from the point of view of someone they dIdn’t specifically dislike. I could not imagine the suffering I would go through if I were to attempt to work with them after I had transitioned. Ok so the odds of me even thinking about taking on a job in construction after I started transitioning are tiny, but that is just one (extreme) example of the difficulties one of us would/could have in finding a job. My question is, what types of jobs are most glamorous for transsexuals and which of those have a good history of being positive influences?

2) I like sports and recreational fitness. I want to learn to rock climb and play the drums. When I’m dripping with sweat and covered in dirt I am at my happiest. Does that make me a bad transsexual candidate? I know being a transsexual only changes the outside to fit the inside, and I suppose I just don’t have much exposure to people in the trans community. There are plenty of girls that like hiking and outdoor activities so I can’t imagine the answer is no, but it just feels like I would get some really bizarre looks from people including my peers if they heard that I want to run in a marathon or sky dive. More specifically, would this desire of mine make my psychiatrist turn me down for srs or hormones? Also does anyone else share my tastes and have you pursued them post-transition? What are your impressions? Or if you didn’t why not?

3) I took my face off of my MSN messenger profile recently because the girls on my friends list looks so gorgeous that I am a bit jealous and because their beauty scares me. Jealousy coming from the fact that they have done it, plus they seem so happy. Fear because I don’t know how I will compare. If they are the goal then I have very little wiggle room. Is it normal to feel this way? Does everyone feel this way? I wish I could be more confident in myself! Lol, even my sister sounds like this when she looks at other girls so I suppose it can’t be that uncommon.

Question 15

2007-06-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

Am I qualified to tell someone they aren't pretty?

2007-06-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

I’ve probably said it before but I want to disappear.

Originally, when the army told me that I would be enlisting within the week I had hoped to fall off the radar from everybody I know.

I didn’t want my family and friends to worry about me but I did want them to have no idea what I was doing or where I had gone

I wanted them to wonder occasionally, “what ever happened to Vincent,” then one day show up on the door like I had never left. ß my original plan didn’t take transitioning into the equation.

If any of you have seen, “Gross Point Blank,” this will sound really familiar. For me it made the whole concept feel really Romantic.

--------------------------------------

I neglect things sometimes that I think back on and I just can’t figure out why I would ignore it to begin with. I skip things so basic and simple that a child could do. Something so obvious that even a coma patient might wake up for an hour just to do. I feel like a dumb face!

I was washing a pair of my panties today with a small load of my regular clothing. The wash was done and it just needed to dry and be put away. Easy task to manage since during the day there is nobody in my house, but did I do it NO! My mom must have switched machines for me and by the time I went to grab my cloths my knickers were gone.

Now there could be multiple outcomes to this dilemma but I’m just hoping for the best case scenario while praying it doesn’t come close to the worst. Worse case scenario is that she starts spreading it around that she is finding women’s clothing mixed in with my wash loads, my Dad melts down, I get kicked out maybe one month before I can ship out to the Airforce, and then my friends find out when I have to ask if I can crash with them. Best case, she assumes they are my sisters, mixes them in with her laundry, I just continue trying to be invisible for maybe one more month, and nobody notices what’s going on till after I leave.

One thing this has forced me to consider is what I will tell them if I am confronted with a pair of panties hanging in my face, a “what was this doing in your laundry?”, and an angry stare. I could feign ignorance “what be thou speaking of /poke /poke,” indignation “how dare you Even sUggEst! /slap”, or maybe both “what is thIs (/poke /poke) doing in mY FACE?! /slap.” /sigh I have to make myself laugh or else my life movie is to scary and uncomfortable to watch.

Seriously if they confront me, I’ve decided . . . I don’t want to lie to them. It really feels bad to keep this hidden and if they bring the topic to my door I have to own the conversation so that I can control when and where it takes us. Lol, I don’t know how to do that!

Actually the concept of them bringing the question to me has given me a really interesting idea for how to come out.

(any readers could probably just skip this section. The idea below is flawed imo but I wanted to keep a log of my thought process over time).

One Way to Come Out:

Ever since I came back from Las Vegas I have been carrying a large black padlocked duffle bag. I’ve never opened it in the presence of anyone but myself. I haven’t lied about the content but I haven’t been asked to tell anyone either. The bag floats from one back room to another, to my car then the garage, and I know my parents have seen it. I also know my parents (my Dad most outwardly) have shown interest in why I have been so secretive around my computer, so I expect that they wonder why I don’t let anyone use or watch me use it. Basically, I know they are at least interested in what I’m doing behind closed doors.

When I leave for the Airforce, what if I rig the house to encourage them to snoop into my business by leaving my black bag unlocked and sitting where they can see it. My black bag would be left sitting in a room with a letter sitting just beyond the zipper addressed to my father and mother. The letter would be very nice (thanks ‘Flameboy’) and informative and under the letter they would find everything (clothing, purse, make-up, wig, shoes). It would encourage them to contact me with any questions or to wait and I would call or visit at my earliest convenience.

Pros:

There’s no arguing.

I wouldn’t have to look into their eyes as I rip their hopes for a normal son, grandchildren, and daughter in law away.

Cons:

At best I only delay having to face them to explain myself.

They may not take it seriously enough if I am not there to assure them that I am serious

They may become mOre upset if they think I wanted to trick them into doing the work for me (which sound correct).

Ok, so it feels like a cheat and a weak solution. I would have to reopen the wound later anyway. At best the only significant positive is that it prepares them for when I meet them in person. Ok, so it sounds good at first but after consideration I don’t like it.

Eyes Wide Open

2007-06-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

A guy known as Sparkz at tzone wrote in a response to someones question about how to determine if they would be better off to transition.

"Firstly it's important to separate BODY from GENDER.

The cisgendered CONSTRUCTS of these are definitely interrelated. But the experience of these things is separate for us.

So you may identify as neither a man nor woman, but want a 'male' or 'female' body (or part male part female).

for me, transitioning to a male body is reducing my distress about my body."

I do not know how I could have missed the significance of this for so long. I know I've heard other trans people say the same thing, but it never quite made sense to me.

I suppose I couldn't understand how making the body look like it is of the opposite sex would affect how you see yourself. It always seemed sort of superficial to think that by growing breasts and hips and hair and eventually reassigning your sexual organs you were just diluding yourself into believing that you had actually become a woman.

Something happened to me though which has opened my eyes and I can see for the first time how it really does make sense. Not to long after my brother walked in on me about a month ago, I had this wave of relief just flow over me because my secret was out (albeit minorly). The concept that, I would never feel the need to lie to just that one person was so amazingly delicious and there was such a huge burden lifted off, was so strong.

Now that I've had that little taste of freedom I hunger for more. I want to tell everybody I know, and I want to start living as the person I was meant to be.

Lying causes stress and stress in large quantities or for long intervals is bad for you mentally and physically. This new desire to open myself up to the world is brought on by the knowledge that it feels good to let go of your stress and your pressures.

My body is part of that stress because I want to look how I feel. It doesn't feel right to live in a body that does not fit who I am inside, so by going on hormones and blockers and getting reassignment surgery I will be relieving the stress I have over reconsiling the desparities between my body and mind.

Basic Transitioning Steps

2007-06-14T02:39:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give this update as to what I've been doing, no question today though.

Now I don't intend to start any type of transition until I have completed basic training, but there are definitely things that I can do to get some of the feel of what it will be like. I have decided that I need to sit and pee like a woman all the time, so for about two weeks now I have been sitting with my legs crossed or together and I no longer stand when I pee. On top of that, when I am alone I make sure that I am walk like a woman and I practice my voice control. Oh and on top of all that I am trying to stay tucked as much as possible.

Tucking: It's not that bad and I typically stay tucked for at least two days straight (taking breaks when I shower or am doing strenuous activity). I did however stop tucking over the weekend because I was doing manual labor off and on in the presence of my father. I wear two pairs of panties to help keep me tucked so I don't have to tape anything (thank god) but the panties are fairly obvious and I would prefer my father not see. The point is that I haven't been wearing them since Sunday, but I have been missing them. Not because of the fact that they are panties but because I hate feeling the presence of my penis. I just wish it weren't there and I definitely like the shear feeling of being tucked rather than feeling my thing flop around between my legs (yuck!)

As for Sitting: Nobody seems to notice. My brother might but he also knows about my . . . habit. I think denial might be playing a role here. I like sitting with my legs crossed and have for a very long time but never could because it is feminine in my society. I wish tucking my testicles didn't get in the way of comfortability. Sometimes I get nauseous when I go to tie my shoes because of the pressure it puts on my testicles, so I had to come up with another way to reach for my shoes which a woman might do.

Peeing: This is a biggie. I spend more time in the bathroom now than I did before simply because there are about seven extra steps for a T-Girl than there are for a Guy. I seem to take a crap more now than before. I've become a pooing machine. I suppose my body is just going with the flow. Um, and I think that does it except I believe I understand why women take less time to poo then a man. As a man I would take a magazine with me, but as a woman I don't need or want to complicate it and I'm already in there more than I would want (having experienced both worlds).

Walking: I still don't walk correctly. I'm sure women don't even think about how they walk most of the time and here I am trying to imitate them like a monkey. I think I have the legs and feet down, but I just can't figure out what to do with my hands.

Speaking: Yuk, maybe singing lessons would help. I guess I can try.

gnight

A Word From 'Ampersand'

2007-06-10T16:45:00.002-07:00

Oh, yes, I found this blog when I was doing one of my trans- searches and I love this guys mouth . . . er more like his fingers or voice. You can find the full post and comments at http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2006/04/27/on-transgender-transsexuals-and-entrenching-the-binary-gender-system/ but I posted the opening below. Sorry I'm terrible at some blogging basics but you can copy and paste the link.

It’s been years - almost two decades - since the last time I wore makeup or a dress. Why? I like dresses.

I recently noticed that - although I’ve never given the matter any conscious thought - that I always tie my hair back in a low ponytail. Even though a high ponytail would often be more comfortable (for instance, in airplanes, cars, and other situations with high-backed chairs). But a high ponytail is seen as “feminine” in our society, and I unconsciously chose to avoid that.

I spend a lot of time thinking about feminism and sexism and the need to fight our society’s coercive gender role structure. Yet when I shop for clothing, I do so in a way that implicitly condones those very roles. I dress like a man. I tie my hair in a culturally masculine style. I’m helping to entrench the system I oppose.

I really wish that I had his skill at writing or at least condensing my thoughts into a meaningful article. Well I guess I have another hobby to work on.

1st Post on my New Blog, I Hope This is the Last Time

2007-06-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't seen what is so much better about logging into the new Blogger.com yet but I'll give it some time. Really I haven't looked either. Interesting event today. I was having dinner with my parents and just making conversation when I asked my Mom (a lactation consultant) how old her oldest patient was. Well she told me but one thing led to another and she tells us about the weirdest patient she ever saw. Wouldn't you know it, the patient was transexual and "the ugliest woman I've ever seen" says my Mom. Hardly a ringing endorsement for transitioning I just wanted to steer the conversation away but my Mom was having fun telling her story. Now I'm only out of the closet with my Brother so nobody else knows and I don't intend to draw attention to myself until I have a safe place that I can be myself. I still feel bad about how I handled it though. Basically, I just agreed that the person in question was a freakish crazy person who it was ok to crack jokes at. I wasn't sure what else to say though and I know I can play the straight guy routine pretty darn well so that is what I did. I should be proud of who I am but I can't take that risk until I am safely in my own world. I need to be smart and that person will never hear what I said about her though my words could inadvertently hurt other Trany's. I feel like a week willed faker. Well, I've stopped feeling like a faker because I know that I truelly want this life.

---------------------------

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

:) cute question, it's fun for me to wonder what his train of thought was when he came up with his questions. What was he thinking about? What is he trying to figure out by asking it? This time, I'm not sure. I mean the question seems so unimportant. Am I supposed to care if my cat is happy or not? Maybe I'm supposed to show how much or how little I care about a helpless animal.

In this question I don't think the answer of yes or no is the answer he is looking for. I believe he wants to hear your thoughts on PETA.

Oooh, maybe it's simpler than that. Maybe he just wants to find out if you like cats?